


just a little bit of your heart

by lilymanaged



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-03-16
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165083
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilymanaged/pseuds/lilymanaged
Summary: Just a little bit of your heartJust a little bit of your heartJust a little bit of your heart is all I wantJust a little bit of your heartJust a little bit of your heartJust a little bit is all I'm asking for(this was originally part of a longer fic that I am not continuing, but I really liked this bit so here you go)
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter
Comments: 7
Kudos: 51





	just a little bit of your heart

It started when she was fifteen. 

She had known him before, of course - hard not to know someone who lives just across the common room from you, who was so visible at all times, who was so beloved by students and teachers alike. He was the star of the Quidditch team already, lapping the upperclassmen in skill and devotion. He was the top of the class, naturally smart and hardworking. He Was...and she Was Not. And that’s just the way it was. 

Something had changed that day, mid-January, Charms classroom. It was bitterly cold outside, but the castle was warm and bright. 

Maybe it was the light from the fire lit behind Professor Flitwick’s desk, or the snow falling gently outside the castle, or maybe Lily had just tilted her head to the perfect angle that her hair fell off her shoulder to reveal her neck in an appealing way, but he approached her as she was packing up her things, halting her movements. She looked at him, wide-eyed, and he smiled charmingly down at her. 

“Hey,” James said, voice deep. She shivered. “I’m sorry to ask this of you, but I am really just not understanding mobility charms. You know, summoning, banishing, those kinds of things. Would you mind helping me out a bit later? You’re the only person here who seems to get it.” 

Lily’s mouth responded before her brain could catch up. “And what’s in it for me? I don’t reveal my secrets for just anyone, and definitely not for free.” 

He chuckled, eyes alight with mirth. “Name your price.” 

Lily blushed, stepping back a little. He shifted his weight forward, almost following her, and watched intently as she gathered her books into her arms, pressing them against her chest tightly in a vague attempt to force her heart to slow. 

“Flying lessons,” she said, shocking herself a little. “My secrets for yours.” 

He nodded, stepping fully into her space. At this point, they were the only ones left in the classroom, the rest of the students on their way to lunch already. 

“My secrets for yours,” he repeated, reaching out to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. “You’re dangerous, Red.” Lily’s eyes widened, staring up at him in disbelief. His gaze shifted downward, searching her face and causing her flush to deepen. 

“Dangerous?” she replied, voice faint. 

“Yeah,” he breathed, eyes locking with hers. “Dangerous. For me. I’ll see you later.” 

With that, he stepped away, looking over her one more time before turning and exiting the classroom. Lily slumped back down to her stool, placing her books on the table and pressing her forehead to them. She struggled to catch her breath and slow her erratic heart, cursing James Potter mildly in her head, dreading what might happen later. 

  
  


What she had originally written off as a minor crush, maybe a physical attraction, soon bloomed into full-blown infatuation. Their study sessions stopped being study sessions very quickly, turning into conversations that left Lily shaking slightly under his intense attention. James was nothing if not engrossed in everything she had to say, and she often felt herself losing focus when his eyes met hers, burning with curiosity or confusion. Although they never got anywhere with the flying, really, Lily felt herself being less reluctant to share her so-called secrets as time went on. As long as James kept looking at her that way, he could frankly have whatever he wanted from her. 

Which is why, come March, she had given him almost every piece of her heart, despite his lack of asking nor any confessed desire for it. Lily would all but float up to her dorm after spending time with James, gushing to Marlene and Dorcas about every word he said, every time his hand brushed hers, while Mary looked on warily. 

“Lily, has he asked you out?” she asked one day in April, eyebrows knit as she sat next to Lily on the window seat of their dorm. The turret looked out onto the grounds, and Lily was looking over the grass, eyes glazed over dreamily, ignoring the book situated in her lap. They were supposed to be studying for their upcoming exams in June. 

“Hmm?”

“James, Lily. Has he asked you out yet?” Mary continued, eyes searching Lily’s face.

Lily’s brows knit together, and her smile dropped a bit. “No, Mare. He hasn’t.”

“Why do you think that is?”

Lily shifted in her seat, refusing to meet Mary’s eyes. After a moment, she looked up, tears in her eyes. “I don’t know,” she replied, exasperated, voice thick. “I don’t know.”

Mary turned toward Lily, pulling her friend into her arms. She allowed Lily to cry, stroking her hair gently until the sobs subsided. After a while, Lily pulled away, standing up. 

“I think I’m just going to go to bed. Can we study tomorrow?” Mary nodded, and Lily walked away. She climbed into bed, pulling the canopy curtains closed abruptly. 

The next morning, Lily was hyper-aware of James, and actively forced herself to be positive around him, upbeat. He sat beside her at breakfast, laughing at all her snarky jokes and playing with the ends of her hair. She felt Mary’s eyes on her, and resolutely ignored her, choosing instead to focus on the positive: James was right beside her, and it felt like she was bathing in his warm glow. Internally, she felt pathetic, vying for any scrap of love he would throw her way, but she was also resolutely ignoring that feeling. 

Lily was focusing on the positive. 

She was positive that this was going to crush her when it was all over. 

  
  


And then, everything was fine until it wasn’t. The next year passed in a blur, and nothing changed between them. Lily watched as James dated other people, anyone who wasn’t her, while still calling her his best girl, holding her close and yet an arm’s length away. She tells herself that he is scared - scared of the depth of emotion between them, the absolute understanding that exists when they look at one another. He calls her dangerous to him, a minx sent to drive him crazy, tells her that she’s worth a million of him, places her on a pedestal when all she wants is for him to reach over and take her, choose her, love her. And yet, he never does quite pick her. 

A little after Christmas of their fifth year, Lily gets mad and starts to date too, fueled by a desire to show him how it feels, show him what he is missing. Bertram Aubrey, a Ravenclaw in the year above them, agrees to a date to Hogsmeade and, before she even realizes it, she actually starts to like him. Spending time with Aubrey takes her away from James, and the horrible, heartsick feeling he represents. Bert is kind to her, attentive, enjoys her company. And so, she lets it happen. 

She is happy with Bert, she realises one day in early April. The feeling takes her aback — she didn’t know she would really feel happy with someone who wasn’t James — and she decides she likes it. She tells Bert, and he is elated, kissing her breathless in the hallway in front of everyone. She smiles brightly at him, and ignores the lingering sensation of guilt in the back of her mind. 

And everything is fine, until it isn’t. 

Because now, here she is, standing by the Lake after their Transfiguration OWL, staring James down. He’s laughing, and his friends laugh with him. Snape is shouting abuse, and then she is too, telling James to leave Severus alone.

He will, he says, smile widening as he looks at her. It’s a nice smile, and Lily’s heart beats a little faster when she sees it. She quickly admonishes herself, waiting for the punchline. 

“....if you go out with me.” 

She starts, face heating up, and the words hang in the air between them. He’s making fun of her, she realises, playing on the love that she keeps tucked away inside herself, Lily’s worst kept secret. Lily feels whatever is left of her heart inside her chest break, shatter into a million pieces right in front of his eyes, and shouts at him for the first time. 

James stumbles back as if he had been smacked in the face, and Lily gets a little thrill in her chest at his shocked expression. She blacks out a little, emotions high as the exchange continues and Snape ends the last remote traces of their feeble friendship. 

When she finally walks away, surface emotion a disgusted rage - at Snape, at James, and mostly at herself for thinking anything would ever change. She frantically makes her way all the way to her dorm, throwing herself on her bed, and unleashes all the pent up frustration and hurt. Her roommates return about a half hour later, presumably after hearing every detail of the big showdown, to the room absolutely trashed. Lily allowed the magic to flow through her, and it resulted in slashed curtains, broken pillows, shoes and clothes littering the floor. Mary and Emmeline curl themselves around her in her bed and Marlene and Dorcas put the room to rights, and Lily cries until she falls asleep. Later, when she looks back on that afternoon by the Lake, Lily recognizes it as the true end of her childhood — any lingering optimism or romantic hopes had shattered the moment her heart did. 


End file.
